Sabotage City of Stress

I'm guessing that by today's blog title, you know where this is going. Don't worry. I've no idea what I weigh, but I did wear some pants today to church that I hadn't ever been able to zip up. Though they'd been in my closet for a couple of years, they still had the tags on them. I won't tell you that I ripped out a seam when I sat down at lunch!! Probably should have waited to lose a few more pounds before wearing those puppies.

My husband will tell you that the happiest day of his life was when he married me. I'm not bragging. It's just a fact. I will tell you that the day I married him was the beginning of ALL my happy days.

After we were first married, I remember Doug's sister came into town from Dallas. He was so excited. Since his family doesn't really plan, Doug "planned" his whole weekend to be available to see his sister. Friday night came and went. Knowing she'd leave on Sunday, he anticipated time with her on Saturday. He really wanted her to go to a movie with us since they both love movies. We waited at home all day for her to call and let us know when she could see us. When Doug finally got to talk to her on the phone and told her about the movie, she said to call her when we got to the theater. When he did, she didn't feel like going. In our first year of marriage, we spent many weekends like this, or so it seems. If you're going on a cruise, you plan. Italy... plan. Singing in a musical... plan. Work projects... plan. Dr. Phil says that a failure to plan is a plan to fail. I think it goes deeper. You plan for what matters to you.

I truly am a failure as a Christian. I hold grudges. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. Not Biblical, but unfortunately, this is how I tend to be. My mom says I get it from her dad. Anyway, how the saying TRULY goes for me is hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. Hurt my husband, and you'll wish shame is all you had to deal with because IT'S ON, sista!!!!

Why do I tell you all of this? My sweet husband agreed for us to take a LONG journey down to Beaumont, TX to see my aunt, uncle, cousins this next week. I thought it only fair to stop to spend time with his sister on the way home, spend the night with her in Dallas. Though she opted to miss Gabe's first birthday so she could accomodate her boyfriend of 13 years, I truly thought she'd be looking forward to seeing him regardless of how she might feel about her brother or me. Visiting her... not my favorite thing to do, but that's the least I can do after he spends several days with MY side of the family. But, yesterday she calls and cancelled our visit because her friends wanted to come into town and stay with her. At first, she initially called to see if we'd be okay to ALL cram into her small home, but she made it clear what our options were and none included asking her friends to come another time. These are her friends. I've never met them, and I can't tell you if my husband has seen them any in the past 10 years. Awkward! She knew the answer when she called.

The saddest part is that my husband has been treated like this so much, he acts like it is all okay, says he is "use to it." For me, it's like being used to a beating every night. Just because it's always that way, doesn't mean it hurts any less.

So, for Father's Day, we went to Mazzio's. Actually, we go there every Sunday but always get salads and thin crust canadian bacon pizza. (Believe it or not, this is very low points.) Today I ordered the Artisan pizza with sausage and had a coupon for a free dessert pizza. But I'm still angry. And I mean SEETHING. The pizza did not work any magic. The Bible says to be angry but sin not. (I wish I could reference this verse, but I can't at this time.) Anger is not a sin. It's how we manage it that determines if we're sinning. Let me just say, I'm sinning! I need prayer. It hurts to the core of my being.

Sometimes "not forgetting" is just a way of protection from those who might harm us. But, my current frame of mind is mostly in Grudgeville, which somehow adds to my anger towards her for making me feel this way. Ugh! Please pray for me. I was so hurt when she opted to miss Gabe's first birthday. Every time she hurts us, I think it can't get any worse than this. I think it's all building up. Again, please pray for me.