Honesty

Initially this morning I weighed 219.4. I felt like a cow! But, I knew I didn't usually weigh at this time and that I hadn't "done my business" yet. Just keepin' it real and honest. Since I ate about a pound of lettuce at last night's dinner, I knew that this was an important factor. So, I'm proud to say that I dropped to 217.4 lbs once I... um... released some tension. Okay, this information may be a bit more real and honest than what you really wanted, but it leads very well into what I want to write about today... honesty.

Yesterday I posted on my Facebook page that I was doing this blog. I didn't post my blogsite, but I just asked for feedback on the idea. Someone told me how brave I was. No, I'm not brave. Complacent, maybe, but not brave. Desperate, perhaps, while basically scared to death. What if I fail? What if someone judges me? First, if you judge me for the number on my scale, you've got just as big of problems as an obese person. Your problems just look different. They may manifest themselves in a problem child or unhappy marriage. So... BACK OFF, she said in a sweet Christian tone! The truth is, weight is only a number. You can look at me and know that I need to lose weight. If you know the number on the scale, this does not change the way I look. I, like most everybody, have always been shy to reveal my weight. Believe it or not, it's a form of dishonesty, in my opinion. It parallels our country's economic crisis. So many people lived outside of their means, spending more than they made, all so that they could APPEAR to be something they're not. Suze Orman taught me this. I love her. It's called "living a lie." Those folks lie to themselves and others. I'm guilty of the same thing when it comes to my weight. That's why I sometimes go for weeks, maybe even months, without weighing. It's the same as people who don't keep track of their expenses or balance their check book. All a lie. So, now you know what I weigh. Do I look fatter to you? Does it make you feel better about yourself? Do you look at your weight and think "But I don't look as fat as her" when you're hovering over the 200 mark? Let's get honest.

Lieing to myself is not ALL my fault. My mind plays tricks on me, and I know that I'm not alone in this. You see, I haven't always been big and obese. Now, chubby has been an appropriate descriptor of me since birth. (Today I prefer to refer to myself as puffy, but that's only true if we redefine puffy as big and obese.) When I was in college, I had a summer where I took classes, ate right, and exercised. Traded in chubby for thin and tone. The attention was addicting. Boys... oh the boys. Good times! (Just enjoyed the attention... nothing else!) Now, where was I? In my mind, I was still chubby. I was a size 6. When my good friend Lisa, the girl that every boy dreamed of... aerobics instructor, cheerleader, homecoming queen type of girl, looked at me and asked if I thought she was fat, it started to dawn on me that we might be a little messed up. I didn't stay a size 6 for long, but I did manage to stay between an 8 and 10 for many years. Eventually my mind caught up that I wasn't chubby anymore. Why can't my mind just be honest with me?

The reverse phenomenon is true as well. When I started to get into the size 16/18 range, I didn't notice. It was the craziest thing. My washer just kept shrinking all of my clothes. And, THEN, they started making sizes SMALLER when I'd go shopping! And, every photographer would mess up pictures by getting the angle all wrong and making me look... puffy. Get the picture?

The Bible says that the heart is deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9). I need to be honest with God, myself, and you before I can get this weight off.