Much More Than a Feeling

216.6 lbs A Work in Progress!

Sunday mornings can be stressful. They always were growing up, and that was with both parents at home. I get me and my son ready for church alone, since my husband has to be there early to rehearse with the band. As I was thinking of all that I had to do today, including a visit with in-laws, Chocolate Cheerios seemed like the logical choice for breakfast. Boy, I really am conquering this emotional eating issue!

At church we sang a song called "A Mighty Fortress is Our God." No, it's not the traditional hymn most of us know. It is a beautiful song by Christy Nockels. I've tried over and over to post it on this webpage to no avail, so I'm just going to give you the YouTube link here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4H-iWayY5M

So, while I sing this song in church, I feel that God is consuming me, truly consuming me, filling that empty hole that I try to patch with food, and I doubt I'll ever eat again. Why can't that feeling last? I know, I know. Sin. Argh! To feel that close to God when I'm not in front of a full band with a congregation full of people... this would cure me. Feelings are overrated. Truth is, God is with me even when I don't feel so spiritual. I can hear Him even in the quietest of places. The key is in me seeking Him.

When I was 15 years old, all I knew was that I wanted to serve God. I naturally thought this meant that I had to go into missions. I had been taught about missions my whole life. After doing short-term mission trips to Africa, Venezuela, and Mexico, in 2001, I left the US for a two-year mission term in the Philippines. I didn't do this because of my "calling" as a 15-year-old but because I felt a calling as an adult. A few months before I arrived, some missionaries in the Philippines had been taken hostage by Abu Sayaf, a semi-organized terrorist group. Additionally, my dad had been diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension, which I knew nothing about, but he was placed on oxygen immediately. My whole family took MONTHS to catch up mentally with Dad's condition. Nobody thought twice about me going to the Philippines... until after I left. A few months after my arrival to the Philippines, 9/11 happened and I was confined to my home for 3 days while folks in my mission assessed the danger, since the Philippines has a history of terrorism. I was so lonely. I don't EVER want to be that alone again. I felt like the world had forgotten about me. I felt like God had forgotten about me, and I was angry. I feel the cortisol rising in me just thinking about all of this. There's much more that I don't even have the energy to write about. Not to mention that my mission team was pure nuts. Since my background was in counseling, they had thought it would be great to have a counselor come and try to fix them. I think they confused me for God, because that's the only One who could help these folks! I had to fight very hard to stay a size 12 during this time in my life. Mango, pineapple, and bananas were the order for the day.

God had never left me. He knew that He wasn't going to let my dad die until after I returned home. He knew that, had I not been on the other side of the world when Doug's dad passed away, I might not have felt such a need to be with him and eventually fall in love with him. He knew. It was my need for control that kept me from feeling the peace that He wanted to provide me. I wanted to know what He knew instead of trusting Him. I knew about trusting God, but I trusted my feelings more... not my knowledge. Romans 12:2 says that we should be transformed by the renewing of our minds, not emotions. Whether I am surrounded by a song about my God being a mighty fortress or whether it's painfully quiet, God is much more than a feeling.